The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
