I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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