Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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