Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
