I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
