A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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