We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
