i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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