how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
