I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
