Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
