he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
