Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
