Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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