turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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