im about as happy as oj after his trial
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
