its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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