She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
