it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
