Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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