I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
