Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
