Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
