i will never coherently bang her
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
