You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
