he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
