Swine flu. Run for my life!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
