this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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