hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
