right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize