If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
