I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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