Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
