I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
