I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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