Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
