I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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