I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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