rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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