Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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