i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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