pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
