im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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