he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
