He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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