an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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