I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
