You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize