So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
