She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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