New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
