I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
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