sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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