My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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