the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His hands were made for my vagina.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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