Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
