i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize