I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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