Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
