I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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