How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
