lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
