you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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