Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
