Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
